Coffee, College, and Absolute Uncertainty

If there is one thing I hate the most, it’s people who have their life together.

Okay, that’s a lie because my hate for crocs and health food definitely outweighs my hate for those people. But they still make me angry and insecure and a bunch of other emotions that I’m not a fan of. The other day I met a girl who had a part time internship, a job lined up for after graduation, a 4 years strong fiancee she had already put a down payment on (their wedding, not the fiancee) and she was-get ready for it-a sophomore. Yes, ladies and gentleman, she was a sophomore in college. I can honestly say that I have no idea what I am going to have for dinner tonight. If i’m being honest with myself, it’ll probably be Chipotle for the 20th time this month, but that’s beside the point. I’m unsure.

Whenever I have tests, projects, and papers due I stay up until the wee hours of the morning (usually the night before) chugging ungodly amounts of coffee and work my very hardest to do my best on whatever the assignment is. And around 3 am and/or my 7th cup of Gloria Jean’s Butter Toffee Medium Roast I have a mini crisis. I know I’m not the only one either, so you relate. I have zero plans for the future. Why I am I sacrificing precious sleep and my heart health for subjects and schooling that I have no direction for?  Why am I even at college? Where am I gonna be in 5 years?  Who am I? Why is there still not a 24 hour Starbucks that delivers? I spiral into this deep dark pit inside of my head that questions everything, including my existence.

And then I play a Katy Perry song, finish off that 7th cup, and give myself one of my famous silent pep talks in my head so I don’t wake my roommate. There is nothing wrong with not knowing. I can graduate still not knowing and that would still be okay. I don’t have to plan every step of my life, and I don’t have to have everything figured out. As long as I’m doing my best and I never stop dreaming, things are going to be okay. So, to the girl or boy having a panic attack in the bathroom or memorizing Philosopher’s thought theories of the early 1600’s at 3 am and questioning their purpose- breathe. You are going to be okay, even if you never figure it out. Take it one step at a time, and you’ll make a path for yourself that could never have been as great if you had planned it.

Have yourself a baked good, a good cry, and keep on.

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